Iron Man xxx parody – my review

While in pre-production on my own Iron Man parody “Iron Girl”. I thought it would be a good time to watch and review Axel Brauns latest “masterpiece”, a parody of the first Iron Man.

The film begins in Afghanistan (actually outskirts of Los Angeles). We first see a cheap and joke free scene where he demonstrates Starks weapons similar to the first Iron Man film.

His limo is blown up and he awakens to find a woman beside his bed. She is the “genius” that has placed the electro magnet in his chest to stop the shrapnel from entering his heart. The side effect of the magnet is he has a constant hard on ( this funny premise is never used again ) and they fuck. The sex scene is fine and includes anal. It concludes with a facial. Not ass to mouth because there is a cut scene.

He is ordered to build a weapon by the pervert who just watched them fuck. A quick cut scene of them building the Iron Man armor happens and Tony Stark escapes in his first Iron Man suit. The costume looks fucking retarded and cheap. I loved it! This costume gave me my first genuine laugh.

Next scene we are in some mansion during a costume party. Tony is in his familiar red and gold suit. He participates in an average threesome while the Mandarin, some lame LA porn stud (again, not the right ethnicity) gets his cock sucked while waiting for Tony. The slut swallows his mandarin juice, a little gets on her chin but she gets most of it down. Guess she needed her vitamin C.

I will give them thumbs up for trying to recreate the comic book Mandarin complete with power rings, even though it looks stupid. The costume is way too baggy and they missed out on a great comedic opportunity to have him look and act asian with a politically incorrect accent. You know the one “Me so solly, I don’t rikey” 

The two chicks boning Tony try to kill him in a unexciting scene while he is sleeping. By the way it was easier for them to do away with the chest piece instead of doing make-up. So he just says he doesn’t need it anymore, funny right?

Next day Tony links one of the sluts who tried to kill him with a chinese weapons company. Despite Pepper trying to stop him, he heads to Hong Kong.

After he leaves, Black Widow enters the room. She walks towards the camera in the most fucked up way. Trying to be “comic book cool” she steps one foot in front and across the other. You have to see it to laugh at it. (I mean at it, not with it) I really think they were trying to be cool here.

Pepper and Widow engage in some bad acting then some lesbian sex. The rubber sounds as Pepper fondles Widows costume are funny. The lust making is fine. Points for Widow keeping most of her costume on.

The film jumps to the final showdown with the Mandarin. After an uneventful fight with hand gestures from both parties, Mandarin disappears and then the credits roll. That’s it? What the fuck!

Wait…there’s more!

There is an end teaser. We meet Nick Fury (played brilliantly by Lex Steele) as he fucks and creams all over someone. Stark rocks up and Fury tells him he is putting together a team.

So to sum up, the film again misses some opportunities to be genuinely funny and the sex scenes don’t compare to what is out there. The actors lazily go through the motions and the story doesn’t try to be creative. Axel seems to have shoehorned the Mandarin into the film because the villain is in Iron Man 3. If you are saying “Fuck you, you do better”. Well….

I’m going to try.

Superman vs Spiderman xxx “My Review”

Well, after hearing about the latest Axel Braun superhero parody becoming a huge seller and reading the rave reviews online. I thought I better watch it to see why so many people are enjoying these kind of films.

Here is my review.

First up in the film we meet Spidey capturing some bad guys. Black Cat shows up and decides to fuck him, as you do in these films.

Black cat did look amazing sucking cock with her mask and white gloves on, but the gloves soon come off. And when she finishes him off it’s without gloves on. It’s not as hot. Actually, he tugs himself and nuts all over her breasts. She doesn’t even swallow. I thought cat’s are meant to like milk?

Dock Ocs CG tentacles look silly, which isn’t a bad thing, but they are never used to full potential. For instance, a bondage scene would have been perfect.

When we meet Lex Luther and Ms Teschmacher for the first time. Super Girl arrives to stop them and we see them play out the Superman movie scene. The one where Luther, after placing the Kyptonite around Superman’s neck, throws him into the water.

Problem here is Super Girl isn’t tossed into water. Which would be sexy. Instead she is thrown onto a table. Ms Teschmacher saves her but first requests lesbian sex. The sex between these two is actually quite hot. Teschmacher licks and fingers Super girl while she is still wearing her red panties and skirt. This earns big points. Although Super Girl isn’t wearing the more sexy crop top outfit.

The sex talk between them is stock standard. ” I love your fat little pussy” and “be a good girl and make me cum”. They keep missing the opportunity to lace the dialogue with pop culture references. Where is the ” Does your cousin Superman make you cum this hard?”

And again, this sex scene is a little long.

The acting between the sex scenes is bad as expected. I don’t have a problem with that.

What I do hate in porn and low budget films in general. Is when the direction, editing and dialogue is also bad. By bad I mean slow and stilted. This film is no different.

The sex scene between Superman, Mary Jane and Liz Osborn is fine. But in the world where ass to mouth and throat fucking is king. This feels a little boring. Also, for someone as strong as Superman. He sure does work up a sweat.

Speaking of dodgy Superman. His flying scenes are just a head shot of him standing there with a fan blowing him. See the picture below. Yes that is as good as it gets. In todays age where 14 year olds can create stunning special effects this is inexcusable.

There is a scene where a caged Lois Lane is forced to suck Lex Luther’s cock. This would have been sexy if she just made him cum right there. But no, they proceed to have a long, seen it before sex scene.

Considering Lois is meant to be doing this against her will, she enjoys it and reacts like any other porn actor. Even begging for more. While Superman is watching mind you! If Lex is meant to be such an evil character, why didn’t he painfully anal fuck Lois. Another missed opportunity for a dramatic but sexy scene.

A very bad acting Spider Woman shows up to save the day and another average unimaginative sex scene ensures. Although her line “You going to shoot me with your fucking web shooter?” is a step in the right direction.

This film would have been fantastic 25 years ago. But gone are the days of 80 minute porn films with stories. We have instant access to beautiful women in all manner of extreme sex act’s. You name it, it’s available. And fans of porn need a stronger fix every time.

But this is for the comic book and spandex fetish fans I here you cry.

Even being a comic book and super heroine fan myself. This film didn’t do it for me. Where are the feats of strength and super powers? The creative peril scenes Heroine fans crave? Also If you are going to use spandex, Where is the cameltoe and wedgies. John Stagliano understands the erotic appeal of tight spandex and killer sex. Why isn’t he directing these films.

Maybe I’m wrong because these films are selling well and Braun is taking home fistfuls of awards for doing them. My hat is off to him for making a success of it.

But damn, I need to knock on Vivid entertainments door.